Lighthouse Letter

Where are you now that nights are dark and days even darker? Where are now when once again I cannot step out of the house and need a push through the door? Do you remember that day I thought the world would kill me and was terrified to leave? You just rushed me out, took me two blocks away from home as I begged to go back in. You pushed me further, as you always did. You were brave for the both of us, without me asking you to be. I miss you singing around the house as you cook and shower and clean and even when you just walk in. I miss you imitating my voice, my talk, my walk and way to ask for things. I even miss your shower routine. I miss not someone else but the one I chose to share life with. Tonight I didn't sleep and facing the dawn I can't help but remember how hard it was learning again to lie alone, and the way I didn't ever need my sleeping pills when you were with me. I've learned so much since we're apart, somethings new, somethings I'm not even close to being used to again, but i'm learning a bit here and there. You know, sometimes I cook eggs and wonder if in the future I will be able to do it without a glimpse of you... sometimes I get high alone and remember your first time getting stoned. I'm hurt by you up untill now, and I can't forget you saying some people are just right to kill themselves, I wonder if ever in your mind I was one of them. But I know I hurt you too, and I know I put you through way more you could bare and somehow I'm releaved you don't need to put up with me anymore. I can and I've been doing just fine alone... You've known barely all my sides and I can be as strong as needy, as fierce and adaptable as helpless. I need no one. In fact, I don't even need you. I just miss you. You played such a role in my life and now that you aren't in it, it feels like a part of me is lost, cause with you I shared everything. And I feel deeply sorry (literally, I can feel sorrow taking over) that the last months we were together mostly of what I could offer was my pain. But I know as well I brought some great things, and I fear maybe, hopefully just maybe, I won't ever ever be able to share so much of me with anyone else. You were the world barier, mostly mine. You were the well where I sank my trulest emotions, my biggest fears and doubts. I wonder if you are doing fine and that's just silly. If I can adapt to anything you can do it ten times faster. Everyday little things here and there remind me of you, and every thought of mine is a prayer, wishing you the best and apologizing once more for all the things you put up to. I hope sometimes you think of me too. It pierces my chest to admit I know and accept in this life our paths won't ever come to cross again. We ran out of sources, and we're both draines from each others lives. But I keep the memories, all the fun and intimacy, all the mutual caring and building something up together. I thank you, more than anything I just thank you. But right now what moves me to rush and write this down is that I miss you. Not someone, not even anyone, but you. And you, my lighthouse, deserve the prettiest world to bare if you'd like to, I do and always will, wish you the best in your path.

"The night is darker before the dawn
 Don't be afraid, I'll be right there behind you ".